So, I’ve been dateless for a while now. And while I normally DON’T like to discuss my evenings with the ladies, this one is too rich to pass up.
In my Design and Color theory class at
DeAnza I sit next to this lovely lady who from time to time tickles my fancy. We occasionally spark up a conversation with one another and more often than not I can feel a bit of spark there.
After sitting at her side for the past few months I finally decided to go out on a limb and give her my number in hopes of perhaps hanging out and pursuing a friendship. Imagine my shock when she called me back a day later just to chat and say hi (at midnight mind you).
The following day she and I were in class and she asked what I was doing the following evening. I had no plans and she suggested that I accompany her to a work related function. I assumed it was a social get together or a party. Liking parties and free food I consented to this notion and she even offered to pick me up.
Jenn then informs me,
“Oh by the way, make sure you ware, black pants, black shoes, and a black shirt.”I comically replied,
“Should I avoid the Kool-Aid while I’m there?Jenn gazed at me with a look of bewilderment; she failed to catch the
Kool-aid /
cult reference. Little did I know how this simple comedic comment would define and bring clarity to the rest of my evening.
Jenn said she would pick me up later in the afternoon at 5, and right on time she showed up. I bolt on the door with excitement dressed in all black. I hop into her car and I’m ready to have a fun night.
Ok, let’s go
“Um, yeah, er… do you by any chance have another pair of pants?”I looked down at my pants not really seeing anything wrong with them, but for her sake, I thought to myself, ok, I’ll change because I don’t want to embarrass her in from of her co workers.
I short trip back inside my apartment and 5 minutes later I emerge with what I think to be less offending pants.
“Oh, that’s great, oh, um, do you have any other shoes?”
I've just wasted 5 minutes changing my pants for you and now you don’t like my shoes. But, hey, I’m a good sport. Plus, she’s pretty, and I do want to get to know her. So, ever so reluctantly I return to my apartment and find a plain pair of black leather work boots.
Again, I return to her car thinking that this is it, I'm dressed to her standards and finally we can go… nope, that’s wishful thinking.
“Um… could you, maybe, like, not ware the long sleeve shirt?"Finally, I put my foot down! There is no way I’m returning to my house and altering my clothing for you another time…well, that’s what I wanted to say, but I still wanted to spend the evening with her and was just going to hope for the best.
We began to drive to a hotel in Milpitas. Along the way we were having a good time. Jenn mentioned she was single and was having a head time meeting quality men in the area. It kind of sounded like an invitation. So I just played it cool and hopped for the best.
A short while later I find myself in the lobby of the hotel bumping elbows with her coworkers. As I anticipated everyone is in black from head to toe, it’s a lil eerie but I’m going with the flow. Mind you, she said this was a small company get together. So I’m expecting some snacks, finger food, oh, and the Kool-aid. But there is none of that. So, I’m a tab bit skeptical.
Jenn brought me over to a table where I was asked to sign my name and was given a name badge. I felt it was strange, but again, I'm trying to go with the flow. But something seems a bit off, and my initial thoughts of this being some sort of cult are slowly but surely starting to muster into realities.
Later, Jenn left me with a group of her friends. I told then I did Parkour and they started to mention Ninja Warrior. So I told them I was just on G4TV the other day for being in the running for the American Ninja Challenge.
Jenn returns and taps me on the shoulder asking me to step outside. I oblige and just beyond the automatic sliding door is a pan with a pair of pants in his hand. I know who they are for. I turn to Jenn and scowl as mean as I can muster biting my tongue but wanted to have a clear understanding of what’s ticking in my head, she’s clueless.
“Hey, um, Ryoga, I don’t want you to be uncomfortable here so would you mind changing into these pants?”First of all, I’m a grown ass man! I buy my own clothing, mostly from Europe. I don’t need a hand out. Plus, I’m not putting on another mans pants. But, for the sake of Jenn, and my consideration of her feelings and her job, I did.
As I struggled in the back seat of her car I was thinking about how all I have to do is just get out and walk home. But I was almost 20 miles always and stranded. There is no one else to call for help, and basically I’m stuck.
As I step out of the car Jenn flirtatiously pulls me close and says,
“You look great; do you feel more comfortable now?”I replied with a slight snarl
“I was feeling comfortable before.”
“Oh well, I just wanted to make sure you fit in. You look great”Time passes and Jenn is starting to lighten up. I on the other hand feel more and more uneasy. It was about that time the “Chatter” began. There was talk about the CEO who had yet arrived, but everyone was speaking highly of her, too highly if you ask me.
People around the lobby spoke about how she was only 23 and drove a McLaren, owned 3 homes in the bay area… ect. Perhaps the most frightening comment was hearing from a one of Jens co-workers.
“We are just blessed that she even comes and spend times with us.”Blessed? Is she the fucking messiah?
So now I’m getting worried again, and more and more I’m looking for the pitcher of Kool-Aid. Jenn grabbed my arm and starts to pull me towards the front door.
“Where are we going?” I asked.
“She’ll be here soon and we have to be first to greet her.”And then she came. That distinct thunderous sound of the McLaren engine. Around the corner it zips, spins out in the parking lot and then settles in from of the crowd.
The workers rushed in with a mixture of hand clapping and bowing. I was not about to kneel down for anyone woman. Not even Paris Hilton herself.
Due to our jockeying for position Jenn and I ended up right at the driver’s side door of the CEO (or so I was told). She steps out of the car in a fairly nice outfit. It was clear to me she was attempting to be a Pilipino Paris Hilton. I’m not impressed. Still, we shook hands and she moved out to make her peasants happy.
I glanced over at Jenn and she looked stunned. Her eyes were wide open like a kid in a candy store. A celebrity might as well have popped out of that car because by the look on her face she’s in dream land.
I’ll remind you that I’ve been at this little mixer for about 30-35 minutes. Not once have a seen a stitch of food, drink, snack, appetizers, NOTHING! And certainly not any Kool-Aid. But the entire time we have been confound to the hotel lobby and in the back of my head I’m wondering if this is it?
Well, now there is movement and the hotel staff is corralling us into an adjacent room. I think to myself,
“Finally, some action!”I’m anticipating how much sushi I’m going to scarf down, the tiny little finger sandwiches. Maybe even some assorted fruits. By god, I can just image the taste of the red flavored Kool-Aid on my tongue.
As I step into the room there are about 40-50 chairs all facing a projector. I quickly survey the room and, um, I don’t see anything edible. For a multi million dollar company this is a shock, what kind of company party / get together did I get into?
We were all asked to take a seat, there was a DJ playing some techno music in the center of the room from a laptop. Jenn turned over to me and tried to hand me a note pad and pen.
“What’s this for.” I asked.
“So you can take notes.”It was right then and there when I was certain that the wool had been pulled over my eyes and whatever happens in the next 10 minutes is not going to be enjoyable.
Over the next 45 minutes I was accosted with propaganda from Usana Health sciences. Through out the presentation there was talk of the product, reviews, stock ports, ect. How awesome it was, and so forth, I was thinking, at any moment there are going to tell the employees how great a job they did this fiscal year and that they’re all going to Hawaii.
While nothing said was out of the ordinary, the responses to some of the comments by the speaker had me concerned. Multiple times through out the crowd would rely in unison.
A collective,
“You’re right!”
“Absolutely!”Or when asked how the audience was doing
“We’re great!”It was eerily spooky to hear collective sound of sheep that are displaying signs of brainwash. Again, I seek the Kool-Aid.
After lecture went on my skepticism grew, but I was confused at the same time. I had a hit that someone was trying to sell me something, but what? It was hidden deep within the content. And then it hit like a ton of bricks,
“I’m not trying to sell you anything, but for a $400 investment…”It was at that moment that everything came to light. This is NOT a company party or get together. This is not a group of friends handing out. It’s hardly evening a meeting. I’ve been a sucker this entire time. I’m at a Usana Heath Sciences recruitment meeting.
I glanced over at Jen and she was all smiles. So much that’s I thought she was in a trance like state. In fact, as I gazed around the room the level of attentiveness of the other people sitting was, well, frightening. It was like… I was in the belly of a cult and with no escape.
The sermon / presentation continued for another 15 minutes or so and then wrapped up. Upon its completion. Jen turned towards me with a gigantic smile on her face and asks,
“So, what did you think?”Stunned, I searched though my rolodex of vocabulary to find the appropriate word to sum up my experience.
“Thrilling!”Jenn pressed me further.
“Well remember how I said that we had a position open in the company? Well, how would you like to join us?”What? Oh hell to the NO! After what I've been though!
And for the next 5 minutes she asked in every possible way she could to “recruit” me. Truth be told, I found it pathetic and depressing. While there was no Kool-aid, this was indeed a cult of sorts and she was brain washed into their fold.
It was right about then when a member of Usana jumped up and announced with a thunderous yell,
“Everyone, we have a new family member!”The room shouted with cheer, and it was obvious to me that my evening has ended. It’s time to get the hell out. While there might not have been any Kool-Aid in the room, it was clear to me that someone if not everyone has had their share.
I returned the borrowed pants to their owner. I was pretty disgusted that I actually went that far as to ware the clothing of a stranger. More so I’m angry that I allowed someone dictate my persona when she was hardly a blip on my radar. But hey, I was a sucker, I get it, it happens. Live and learn.
The ride home was beyond uncomfortable. And I can’t really blame Jenn for responding he way she did. I was a potential associate. She could have made $400 off my unsuspecting soul. Yes, that’s a hint of sarcasm coming from underneath this wicked grin of mine.
By far, this is one of the worst dates of my life. First date of the year, hopefully the last.
Sigh… and I did not get a free meal out of it.
~ Ryoga
Tags: date, kool-aid, usana health sciences
Current Location: Milpitas, CA
Current Mood: 
aggravated
Current Music: Thrill Kill Cult - Sex On Wheels
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
Previous
sad
calm
crushed
chipper
angry
